http://esl.about.com/od/businessenglishwriting/a/bizdocs_2.htm
From: Evan Hardy, president and owner of Peanut Corporation of America
To: Managers of Production Facilities
RE: Voluntary Recalls
We would like to take this time to let you know of immediate changes to be made to the sanitation practices within our factories. Upon receiving this message we ask that you hold a mandatory meeting to relay this information of these changes to your employees. We also ask that the minutes of this meeting be recorded and relayed back to the Lynchburg Headquarters.
New Sanitation Practices -
* Samples of peanut product will be sent off to bacterial testing labs.
* Employees are to be aware of constant and random FDA inspections, and to abide by all requests made during these inspections.
* If an employee’s sanitation score doesn’t show improvement, restructuring will occur.
* Although commonly used, we must stress the importance of washing hands after using the bathroom, as well as between handling different groups of food product.
It must be remembered bacterial infections are not minor concerns. In the case of salmonella, the infection may spread from the intestines to the blood stream and can be potentially fatal. We must all adapt and adjust to protect our customers now, as well as to retain customer confidence in our product. Please remember, this affects us all, and we must find a way to ensure that a mistake like this is not allowed to occur again.
Thank you for your cooperation in amending your practices to fit our new standards,
Evan Hardy
Team SSS Response
This memo looks pretty much just like the examples provided in our resource. There are only small differences, one being that instead of a subject line, you use "RE", which is just as logical I suppose. Another difference is that you included a "From" line, which seems logical. You might want to included directions on how to dissemenate the memo internally at the end of the document, For example "Please forward this to all your employees," or something like that. Importantly, there were no glaring omissions that our example included which your's did not, so congratulations.
ACORN Response
Your memo is ogrganized well. You have a good itroductory statement as well as a concise conclusion. You might want to consider making a more clear subject line. You should probably change RE: to Subject: and add something to "Voluntary Recalls". It's a bit vague as it is now.
memo response
In your introduction you are forgetting the date and what you do have is out of order. The bullet points don't go along with the format of our memo source. The information was useful and thorough, but it should be written in a paragraph form.
Wait, what?
so out of order as personal opinion or according to your source?
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Firestone Response via The Owl's Memo Section
To, From, Date, Subject-- in that order. No complete and current date.
Opening Segment: should include a brief statement of the problem, as not all facilities will be as familiar with the contents as the offending facility in GA.
Context:perhaps more background info, if only a sentence.
Task segment: structurally good; PCA addresses salmonella contamination with steps to combat and prevent it. One note though: could the reiteration of washing one's hands really be classified as a "new sanitation practice"?
Summary info: the summary info provided by PCA may be better used in the context segment, in which background info is stated.