Form and Style
Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraph(s), and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
Yes, It looks good to me.
Does the writer use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
Yes
Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal? Too formal or generic? Explain.
I think it looks good. I guess if they want something that isn't too generic, Times probably isn't the best idea, but personally I don't think there is anything wrong with using it. I think it looks good.
Does the writer take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
I think you did a pretty good job. The only thing that I would recommend is that you do a good job explaining the things that you learned from being a BGR Super, but you didn't tie it into the company well. Tell them specifically how these newly acquired skills will make you better at the job that you are applying for.
Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them, either by listing them here or by circling them on a printed draft.
None that I noticed.
Content/Rhetorical Context
Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of his or her qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
Be more specific. What does developed "as a person" mean. Specifically. I know what you are trying to get at here, but it makes me think. Don't make the reader think. Make the reader read it and Know you are the right person for the job, not think that if they are interpreting this correctly, you are the right person for the job.
Does the writer mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
Not really. Why this job? Why are you interested in this specific job. Will it help you get where you are going or are you planning on making this a lasting career?
Does the writer identify specific skills, using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
I don't think so. I don't know much about being a patient care technician, so I think that if you were using terminology that other experienced people would recognize, I shouldn't be able to understand it. . So I guess see if there is anything you can add to make this more technical.
Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the writer is well-suited?
Yes. You did a good job here.
Does the conclusion say how the writer can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
Yes. Either through email, phone, or a letter.
What is the most important revision the writer should make? Explain.
The most important thing to do would be to tie in the skills that you have learned through these different things into the organization and to be more specific with your words. I think if you improve those thing you will have a strong cover letter.
Form and Style
1. Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraph(s), and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
It includes all the necessary parts.
2. Does the writer use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
YES!
3. Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal? Too formal or generic? Explain.
I almost felt like the cover letter was too generic. I think you could focus on other aspects besides grades to distinguish yourself and maybe be more specific in experiences. It is hard to persuade someone who hard of a worker you are just in words (i.e. I am a hard worker and willing to go the extra mile) It could come off as fake like one is trying to make that impression. I am sure you have strong characteristics like determination or perserverance in which you can describe using activities and experiences to display those qualities.
4. Does the writer take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
I didn’t really get a good sense of a tone. You definetly didn’t come off as bragging. You sounded proud of your grades as if you had worked hard to achieve them showing a sense of accomplishment.
5. Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them, either by listing them here or by circling them on a printed draft.
There are a few grammer/english errors. For example in the first sentence it reads “I am writing you to inquire about the Patient Care Technician position at Fresenius Medical Care I read about on Careerbuilder.com.” It is missing at FMC….that… I read about on Careerbuilder.com. Also in the second paragraph it needs to be I will continue to conduct research, etc. It helps sometimes to read it out loud to hear sentences that read awkward.
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of his or her qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
The job ad was pretty vague in terms of requirements and keywords. A suggestion would be to have your letter focus more on patient care and any experience you have had with documentation and patience in a health care setting. I understand now why you mentioned hard work and communication because in the health care profession those characteristics are very important.
2. Does the writer mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
It doesn’t state specifically why he is applying for the position just what he can offer and why he is a good fit. It might be implied but it is a little vague. If I had to guess it would be because you care about others.
3. Does the writer identify specific skills, using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
He mentions leadership, communication, and adaptable skills that he has gained from experiences on campus.
4. Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the writer is well-suited?
Yes, he does an excellent job at stating why he is well-suited for the position. You appear confident and are very puasive in your capabilties for this position.
5. Does the conclusion say how the writer can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
I think his letter ends on a high note. It is hard to say what a “high note” means. He gives his phone number and e-mail address where he can be contacted.
6. What is the most important revision the writer should make? Explain.
I think the most important revision is that you should explain directly why you are applying for this position. Also, I would work on the grammar errors because no matter how qualified you are if you misspell a word or have gramatical errors it deducts from your competicy. Good luck, I’d give you an interview!
Comments
Hope the Helps!
Form and Style
Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraph(s), and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
Yes, It looks good to me.
Does the writer use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
Yes
Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal? Too formal or generic? Explain.
I think it looks good. I guess if they want something that isn't too generic, Times probably isn't the best idea, but personally I don't think there is anything wrong with using it. I think it looks good.
Does the writer take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
I think you did a pretty good job. The only thing that I would recommend is that you do a good job explaining the things that you learned from being a BGR Super, but you didn't tie it into the company well. Tell them specifically how these newly acquired skills will make you better at the job that you are applying for.
Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them, either by listing them here or by circling them on a printed draft.
None that I noticed.
Content/Rhetorical Context
Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of his or her qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
Be more specific. What does developed "as a person" mean. Specifically. I know what you are trying to get at here, but it makes me think. Don't make the reader think. Make the reader read it and Know you are the right person for the job, not think that if they are interpreting this correctly, you are the right person for the job.
Does the writer mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
Not really. Why this job? Why are you interested in this specific job. Will it help you get where you are going or are you planning on making this a lasting career?
Does the writer identify specific skills, using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
I don't think so. I don't know much about being a patient care technician, so I think that if you were using terminology that other experienced people would recognize, I shouldn't be able to understand it.
. So I guess see if there is anything you can add to make this more technical.
Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the writer is well-suited?
Yes. You did a good job here.
Does the conclusion say how the writer can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
Yes. Either through email, phone, or a letter.
What is the most important revision the writer should make? Explain.
The most important thing to do would be to tie in the skills that you have learned through these different things into the organization and to be more specific with your words. I think if you improve those thing you will have a strong cover letter.
Cover Letter Peer Edit
Form and Style
1. Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraph(s), and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
It includes all the necessary parts.
2. Does the writer use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
YES!
3. Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal? Too formal or generic? Explain.
I almost felt like the cover letter was too generic. I think you could focus on other aspects besides grades to distinguish yourself and maybe be more specific in experiences. It is hard to persuade someone who hard of a worker you are just in words (i.e. I am a hard worker and willing to go the extra mile) It could come off as fake like one is trying to make that impression. I am sure you have strong characteristics like determination or perserverance in which you can describe using activities and experiences to display those qualities.
4. Does the writer take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
I didn’t really get a good sense of a tone. You definetly didn’t come off as bragging. You sounded proud of your grades as if you had worked hard to achieve them showing a sense of accomplishment.
5. Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them, either by listing them here or by circling them on a printed draft.
There are a few grammer/english errors. For example in the first sentence it reads “I am writing you to inquire about the Patient Care Technician position at Fresenius Medical Care I read about on Careerbuilder.com.” It is missing at FMC….that… I read about on Careerbuilder.com. Also in the second paragraph it needs to be I will continue to conduct research, etc. It helps sometimes to read it out loud to hear sentences that read awkward.
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of his or her qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
The job ad was pretty vague in terms of requirements and keywords. A suggestion would be to have your letter focus more on patient care and any experience you have had with documentation and patience in a health care setting. I understand now why you mentioned hard work and communication because in the health care profession those characteristics are very important.
2. Does the writer mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
It doesn’t state specifically why he is applying for the position just what he can offer and why he is a good fit. It might be implied but it is a little vague. If I had to guess it would be because you care about others.
3. Does the writer identify specific skills, using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
He mentions leadership, communication, and adaptable skills that he has gained from experiences on campus.
4. Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the writer is well-suited?
Yes, he does an excellent job at stating why he is well-suited for the position. You appear confident and are very puasive in your capabilties for this position.
5. Does the conclusion say how the writer can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
I think his letter ends on a high note. It is hard to say what a “high note” means. He gives his phone number and e-mail address where he can be contacted.
6. What is the most important revision the writer should make? Explain.
I think the most important revision is that you should explain directly why you are applying for this position. Also, I would work on the grammar errors because no matter how qualified you are if you misspell a word or have gramatical errors it deducts from your competicy. Good luck, I’d give you an interview!