English 420Y - Business Writing Online

I like how your business letter progressed. You started by making a basic introduction/apology. Then you acknowledged that there was a problem and followed it by stating what was going to be done about this problem. Your tone sounded over the top at times, however. You used phrases such as “beloved customers” and “loyal passengers.” To me, this just made your letter seem like the company is trying to do anything it can to get customers. Also other phrases should be reworded to make them more concise. For example change “If our customers are unhappy that means we are not doing our jobs right and that is not acceptable” into “Our customers are our number one priority.” You should remove the hyperlinks to the company website to make it appear in a letter format. Something else you may want to consider doing is increasing your usage of “you” in the beginning of your letter. Replace the word customers to do this. It will make your letter seem much more personal to your reader. You did a better job of this toward the end of the letter.

Overall, you have written a good letter; the content is great. Work on rephrasing things in a more concise manner to really improve your letter.