Format and Style
- I would advice that you include the receiver’s address information, if it available. If not, I would locate their headquarters address and include that. I’d also suggest reformatting your return information, as it’s very difficult to follow.
- The text is nice and flush with the left margin, as it should be.
- I like the style of your letter is alright, but it almost seems like the author is trying to hard at times. This seems to lead into some awkward and difficult to follow sentences.
- As mentioned above, I think the author comes off a little too enthusiastic at times.
Content/Rhetorical Context
- The letter does a good job of speaking directly to the job ad, and thus lacks that generic nature that employers dislike.
- The author does mention several specific reasons that he is applying and makes a strong connection in this way.
- The letter does mention specific skills that other skilled individuals would understand.
- The introduction mentions everything sought after, including the source.
- The conclusion doesn’t note how the writer can be contact. I think you should include your contact number down here, or email address. I think the letter ends with good content, but I kind of stumbled through the third to last sentence.
- I think the most important revision involves the actual formatting, and less the content.
I didn’t see too much error with commas that stood out, but there did seem to be a lot of sentences that weren’t that smooth or easy to read. Obviously you aren’t an English major, so I wouldn’t expect perfection, but I think you could spend a little time rewording things here and there. There is also the writing lab as well that you could take advantage of for advice and commentary. Also, I felt like your cover letter came off a little overly enthusiastic at times, but maybe that’s just the impression I got. I would just go for a more straightforward, “this is what you’re looking for, I have that, here’s the proof” sort of approach, and try to use a more relaxed, conversational tone and language.
As far as the letter formatting goes, I think the only real change that I would make would be to reformat the header information, in particular your return information. Perhaps you could toss the phone number overboard, and then separate the remaining information with some kind of bullets or something. Also, I would find an address for the company and list it. Not because you’re going to mail your cover letter in, but just because it shows them that you took the extra effort. It also makes the letter seem more personal and less generic.
Form and Style
1. The letter is organized with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, I believe the format should be different with regards to your name and the receiver's information. Your name should be at the top followed by your return address. Next, I think should be the date, followed by the receiver's name and address. There should be some kind of address, even if it is the office where they work. This information should be the same font and style as the rest of the letter, and everything should be left-justified.
2. Everything is flush except, as I just stated, the above information should be left-justified in block format.
3. I think the style fairly good, showing a good taste that you want to be involved with helping the armed forces. It is not too informal, nor is it too formal.
4. I have a few problems with your tone. It is nice that you want to work to "serve the people that serve you." That is good. But I would take it down a notch; it seems you talk more about this more than your actual qualifications. Instead of saying how you will serve the armed forces, tell HP how you will serve HP to serve the armed forces. This will grab their attention, knowing that you have an interest specifically in HP, not just serving the armed forces. Also, I believe you used the word "perfect" too much. Show them that you are the perfect candidate, not that they are the perfect job for you.
5. 1st paragraph, in your quote...it is a good quote but I think that the "s" should be lowercase.
2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence...comma after "Within my course work"
2nd paragraph, 4th sentence...comma after "requirements." Also, I think that sentence makes a lot more sense when replacing the word "experience" with "knowledge."
Last sentence...I believe this should be placed with the conclusion paragraph. Also, saying "so much" comes off a little too enthusiastic to me. Just say "Thank you for your time and consideration."
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Your keywords are good, but like I said before, try to say more about your technical knowledge.
2. Your reasons for wanting the job are clear, knowing that HP is prestigious and a good company and that you enjoy serving those that serve us.
3. Your terms of technical programming such as .NET and C# is good. Try using more of that and others you may be experienced with.
4. Yes, your introductory paragraph includes the position applied for, its source, and why you are well-suited.
5. You have contact information, but I think it should go in the conclusion paragraph as well. The letter does end on a high note.
6. Your most important revision you need to make - see Form and Style, number 4.
Your Questions
1. Commas - see Form and Style, number 5.
I appreciate your opinion on my cover letter. In reply to both posts, you'll have to excuse my enthusiasm about "serving those who serve" this was really drilled into our heads at my internship. I don't feel that it is a bad thing, but I certainly see what you mean!
recommendations
Format and Style
- I would advice that you include the receiver’s address information, if it available. If not, I would locate their headquarters address and include that. I’d also suggest reformatting your return information, as it’s very difficult to follow.
- The text is nice and flush with the left margin, as it should be.
- I like the style of your letter is alright, but it almost seems like the author is trying to hard at times. This seems to lead into some awkward and difficult to follow sentences.
- As mentioned above, I think the author comes off a little too enthusiastic at times.
Content/Rhetorical Context
- The letter does a good job of speaking directly to the job ad, and thus lacks that generic nature that employers dislike.
- The author does mention several specific reasons that he is applying and makes a strong connection in this way.
- The letter does mention specific skills that other skilled individuals would understand.
- The introduction mentions everything sought after, including the source.
- The conclusion doesn’t note how the writer can be contact. I think you should include your contact number down here, or email address. I think the letter ends with good content, but I kind of stumbled through the third to last sentence.
- I think the most important revision involves the actual formatting, and less the content.
I didn’t see too much error with commas that stood out, but there did seem to be a lot of sentences that weren’t that smooth or easy to read. Obviously you aren’t an English major, so I wouldn’t expect perfection, but I think you could spend a little time rewording things here and there. There is also the writing lab as well that you could take advantage of for advice and commentary. Also, I felt like your cover letter came off a little overly enthusiastic at times, but maybe that’s just the impression I got. I would just go for a more straightforward, “this is what you’re looking for, I have that, here’s the proof” sort of approach, and try to use a more relaxed, conversational tone and language.
As far as the letter formatting goes, I think the only real change that I would make would be to reformat the header information, in particular your return information. Perhaps you could toss the phone number overboard, and then separate the remaining information with some kind of bullets or something. Also, I would find an address for the company and list it. Not because you’re going to mail your cover letter in, but just because it shows them that you took the extra effort. It also makes the letter seem more personal and less generic.
HP Cover Letter Critique
Form and Style
1. The letter is organized with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, I believe the format should be different with regards to your name and the receiver's information. Your name should be at the top followed by your return address. Next, I think should be the date, followed by the receiver's name and address. There should be some kind of address, even if it is the office where they work. This information should be the same font and style as the rest of the letter, and everything should be left-justified.
2. Everything is flush except, as I just stated, the above information should be left-justified in block format.
3. I think the style fairly good, showing a good taste that you want to be involved with helping the armed forces. It is not too informal, nor is it too formal.
4. I have a few problems with your tone. It is nice that you want to work to "serve the people that serve you." That is good. But I would take it down a notch; it seems you talk more about this more than your actual qualifications. Instead of saying how you will serve the armed forces, tell HP how you will serve HP to serve the armed forces. This will grab their attention, knowing that you have an interest specifically in HP, not just serving the armed forces. Also, I believe you used the word "perfect" too much. Show them that you are the perfect candidate, not that they are the perfect job for you.
5. 1st paragraph, in your quote...it is a good quote but I think that the "s" should be lowercase.
2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence...comma after "Within my course work"
2nd paragraph, 4th sentence...comma after "requirements." Also, I think that sentence makes a lot more sense when replacing the word "experience" with "knowledge."
Last sentence...I believe this should be placed with the conclusion paragraph. Also, saying "so much" comes off a little too enthusiastic to me. Just say "Thank you for your time and consideration."
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Your keywords are good, but like I said before, try to say more about your technical knowledge.
2. Your reasons for wanting the job are clear, knowing that HP is prestigious and a good company and that you enjoy serving those that serve us.
3. Your terms of technical programming such as .NET and C# is good. Try using more of that and others you may be experienced with.
4. Yes, your introductory paragraph includes the position applied for, its source, and why you are well-suited.
5. You have contact information, but I think it should go in the conclusion paragraph as well. The letter does end on a high note.
6. Your most important revision you need to make - see Form and Style, number 4.
Your Questions
1. Commas - see Form and Style, number 5.
2. Formatting - see Form and Style, number 1 & 2.
I appreciate your opinion on
I appreciate your opinion on my cover letter. In reply to both posts, you'll have to excuse my enthusiasm about "serving those who serve" this was really drilled into our heads at my internship. I don't feel that it is a bad thing, but I certainly see what you mean!
Thanks
JFlitt
www.JFlitt.com