English 421Y: Technical Writing Online

Your cover letter is off to a good start. I think you have the right idea about relaying your experiences and how they will be a benefit to Ghafari. You're aimed in the right direction.

Format and style wise, everything looks pretty good. All the key components are there and your block structure is clean. You might want to try to make your style more conversational. It would make your writing more natural. Your letter has one mechanical error, in the second paragraph. that stood out like a broken pipe:

"I have gained priceless knowledge about the sequence of operations of projects including formulating submittals, reviewing designs and schematics, and coordinated groups of people to accomplish a common goal."

Your series isn't parallel (the bold words don't match up). My guess is you know how to fix this, and it just got overlooked through the reviewing process (it's easy to do). You might want to carefully proofread through it a couple more times. Also, try to avoid amplifier words that don't mean anything (priceless, extraordinary). Amplify your points instead by making good arguments. Also, I'm not sure I know what "formulating" means. Other than that, your tone and format are fine. You might consider the suggestion to use the top section of your resume as a letterhead.

Content wise, I think you have a good foundation but you could use some refining. First off, your introduction could use a little more specificity. "Mechanical Engineer" is a pretty common title that can be a lot of things. Ms. Furgiuele will know what the position is, but I would suggest sneaking in a more of a descriptive name for the position. For example, you could simply tweak your last sentence in the first paragraph:

"My extraordinary background with mechanical projects dealing with HVAC, plumbing, piping, and fire protection would give me a head start with Ghafari as a construction engineer/manager."

You've done the research not me, so I'm sure you could do much better. The point is, show them you have a thorough understanding what the job is, beyond the job title.

Moving along, your background information is in the right line. Your job ad talks a lot about schematics and specs, and you've touched on that. As a suggestion, I would try to come up with some examples or specific qualifications. What have you done with schematics? What is your best schematic skill? And so on.

I would also stress your experience in HVAC. In your analysis, you said you did some "gruntwork" in the field. From my own experience, doing some electrical "gruntwork" and then transitioning into electrical construction engineering, this will be a HUGE advantage for you. This experience gives you two things: One, knowledge gained from hands-on experience with systems you are working with. Two, an understanding of the physical work, which will allow you to interact with the craft more effectively. You don't specifically stress those strengths in your cover letter or resume. Don't sell yourself short on this experience. Remember: they aren't trying to connect the dots. That's up to you. You've done a pretty good job of telling them what you've done. Now you just need to tell them what to think about it. I would say this is your most important revision.

Your closing is OK. It's just a little on the generic side. What sets you apart from the next self-motivated guy with a thirst for problem solving? Play up your HVAC and project controls knowledge if you can.

To answer your questions:
1. After a while, your theme of knowing and working with schematics and such got a little repetitive. I would clearly articulate one time you've had a lot of experience, and maybe give an example or two. Then get out of your own way. Also, you used "background" a lot. Use a thesaurus and try to come up with some alternate ways to say the same thing. I know in my own cover letter I did pretty much the same thing with the word "experience" and that's something I want to work on.
2. I think you could show more confidence. I think you are every bit as qualified for the job as you think you are, but you need some focus and clarity in how you convey your qualifications. I would accomplish this by making your descriptions of your background and experiences more concise, and using the extra room to send your message: "I am qualified because my experience working on HVAC in the field, and studying it the classroom, gives me a direct understanding of the work and how it is performed. My extensive studies on submittals and schematics will help me take on an engineering role in a field I've already had great experience in." You get the point.

You've got a solid start. With a little work I think this could be a great cover letter. Happy hunting.

I am going to format this the easiest way possible by just putting the numbers of the questions I am answering.

Form and Style

1. Your cover letter does a good job of including all of the necessary components. The only thing I might look into would be possibly making your introduction paragraph establish the structure of the following paragraphs better.
2. You also did a good job of using block format and keeping everything left aligned.
3. I think that your cover letter is formal, but not too formal. You sound as educated as possible without seeming to say only “pick me, pick me.” Overall your writing style was the same as mine for the assignment.
4. As mentioned earlier, I think that your tone was perfect. You sounded intelligent and enthusiastic to the right point, but you did not cross the line.
5. One error I found was in your second paragraph where you used the word “coordinated,” and you should use “coordinating” instead. Something else I noticed was in the first sentence of the third paragraph; I would take the “the” out before computer experience.

Content/Rhetorical Context

1. I would say that you did a good job of speaking directly to the job ad. In your intro paragraph you do a good job introducing all of the skills that you have that are pertinent to this specific job. The only thing that could have been done better was to specifically describe how you obtained the “priceless knowledge” from your major by giving examples of projects or assignments you have done.
2. In your cover letter you never really explain why exactly you are applying for this job. One thing you could do would be to explain how much you enjoy the field or to express the reason you were searching for it on monster.
3. Throughout your cover letter you cite specific skills using correct terminology that you have obtained in college such as; HVAC, fire protection, schematics, and technical drawings just to name a few.
4. You do a good job in the intro of identifying the position you are applying for and where you found it, but you do not mention at all why you are applying for this job. One thing you will want to do is to add in why you are applying for this specific job.
5. Your conclusion does a nice job of giving your contact information and I believe you end on a high note by stating how you would “love to meet to further discuss this role and my qualifications.”
6. The most important revision I would make would be to add in why you are applying for the specific job you are.

Your questions

1. I do not think you are repetitive at all. In fact I do not know why you even asked that question. I think you cover letter flows well and you do not repeat yourself at all.
2. I think that you show yourself to be confident in your cover letter. You mention several times about how you think you can be an asset to them and their company. Overall I think you did a good job with this cover letter.