Form and Style:
1. Your cover letter includes all of the necessary components. The only suggestion I have here is that you may want to split your body paragraph into two paragraphs. Possibly split up the two internships and what you gained from each.
2. Your formatting looks good, and follows the block format.
3. The style of your cover letter is good. You may want to try and make it a little more conversational but if not I think it is good the way it is.
4. Your tone is good. You sound enthusiastic about your experience and wanting the job.
5. A mechanical error that I found was in the body paragraph where you list your responsibilities. You use “Creating, maintained, and help” as your action words. You should change these so that all of them are in the same tense, either past or present. Also in that paragraph you state “I was involved in designing and manufacturing custom parts various machines.” I know you meant “for various machines,” but an HR coordinator would probably see a grammatical error like that as a big flaw.
Content/ Rhetorical Context
1. You make good use of keywords, but you mainly use them in the end. You may want to use them more in your introduction and/ or body paragraph.
2. You do state that you are very interested in the position, but you don’t talk about why you are interested in it. You may want to add something into your letter about why the job interests you to relate to the HR coordinator.
3. You use some terminology that someone experienced would understand, but you could probably add some more in the body. You could also possibly add some in the introduction by saying something like “I would be good for your company because I have these skills.”
4. Your introduction does a good job of identifying the position and you explain that you are qualified because of your experience. You may want to include some other qualifications like time-management skills or communication skills possibly.
5. I think you did a really good job with the conclusion. You end on a high note, leave contact information, and stress why you’re the right person for the job. This section is fine the way it is.
6. I think the most important revision would probably be the mechanical errors. They aren’t big changes and won’t be hard to make, but they would make the biggest difference to the HR coordinator. These errors could get your letter thrown in the trash without even considering your experience or background. Once these are changed, you will have a much better chance.
First to address your questions:
No questions to address.
Form and Style
1. Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
Yes
2. Does the author use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
Yes
3. Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal, formal, or generic? Explain.
Very conversational, this is where I've worked, here's what I did there.
4. Does the author take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? Highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
You were very specific in what you did at your various positions but did so in a way that wasn't bragging.
5. Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them.
A couple. I'm assuming this is what was meant.
"...creating a lighting plan for a steel producing building, maintaining PA systems, and helped create a contingency plan for a union strike."
"...I was involved in designing and manufacturing custom parts on various machines."
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of the author's qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
Job is is pretty unspecific in the keywords that it uses so there isn't much to go off of. However you do a could job with explaining exactly what you did at your internships.
2. Does the author mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
Sort of. "I would like to bring these skills to your company." Should mention why you want to work for Apple. Do you want to help them design the iPhone 3? Work for a company that is on the cutting edge of technology?
3. Does the author identify specific skills using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
Doesn't really identify specific skills. From the cover letter you might be able to include things like, "managed a team to complete", "responsible for budgeting", etc. What skills did you use to create the lighting system, maintain the PA system, and create the contingency plan?
4. Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the author is well-suited to it?
Yes.
5. Does the conclusion indicate how the author can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
Yes, "I believe that my experiences in the Mechanical Engineering field have made me well qualified for this position."
6. What is the most important revision the author should make? Explain.
Your body paragraph lacks specific skills. You could try and tie what you've done to the job ad. The job ad mentions "validate functional requirements " and "design constraints". I would try and work those into what you've done in past positions.
Suggestions
Form and Style:
1. Your cover letter includes all of the necessary components. The only suggestion I have here is that you may want to split your body paragraph into two paragraphs. Possibly split up the two internships and what you gained from each.
2. Your formatting looks good, and follows the block format.
3. The style of your cover letter is good. You may want to try and make it a little more conversational but if not I think it is good the way it is.
4. Your tone is good. You sound enthusiastic about your experience and wanting the job.
5. A mechanical error that I found was in the body paragraph where you list your responsibilities. You use “Creating, maintained, and help” as your action words. You should change these so that all of them are in the same tense, either past or present. Also in that paragraph you state “I was involved in designing and manufacturing custom parts various machines.” I know you meant “for various machines,” but an HR coordinator would probably see a grammatical error like that as a big flaw.
Content/ Rhetorical Context
1. You make good use of keywords, but you mainly use them in the end. You may want to use them more in your introduction and/ or body paragraph.
2. You do state that you are very interested in the position, but you don’t talk about why you are interested in it. You may want to add something into your letter about why the job interests you to relate to the HR coordinator.
3. You use some terminology that someone experienced would understand, but you could probably add some more in the body. You could also possibly add some in the introduction by saying something like “I would be good for your company because I have these skills.”
4. Your introduction does a good job of identifying the position and you explain that you are qualified because of your experience. You may want to include some other qualifications like time-management skills or communication skills possibly.
5. I think you did a really good job with the conclusion. You end on a high note, leave contact information, and stress why you’re the right person for the job. This section is fine the way it is.
6. I think the most important revision would probably be the mechanical errors. They aren’t big changes and won’t be hard to make, but they would make the biggest difference to the HR coordinator. These errors could get your letter thrown in the trash without even considering your experience or background. Once these are changed, you will have a much better chance.
Add specific skills
First to address your questions:
No questions to address.
Form and Style
1. Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
Yes
2. Does the author use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
Yes
3. Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal, formal, or generic? Explain.
Very conversational, this is where I've worked, here's what I did there.
4. Does the author take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? Highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
You were very specific in what you did at your various positions but did so in a way that wasn't bragging.
5. Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them.
A couple. I'm assuming this is what was meant.
"...creating a lighting plan for a steel producing building, maintaining PA systems, and helped create a contingency plan for a union strike."
"...I was involved in designing and manufacturing custom parts on various machines."
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of the author's qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
Job is is pretty unspecific in the keywords that it uses so there isn't much to go off of. However you do a could job with explaining exactly what you did at your internships.
2. Does the author mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
Sort of. "I would like to bring these skills to your company." Should mention why you want to work for Apple. Do you want to help them design the iPhone 3? Work for a company that is on the cutting edge of technology?
3. Does the author identify specific skills using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
Doesn't really identify specific skills. From the cover letter you might be able to include things like, "managed a team to complete", "responsible for budgeting", etc. What skills did you use to create the lighting system, maintain the PA system, and create the contingency plan?
4. Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the author is well-suited to it?
Yes.
5. Does the conclusion indicate how the author can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
Yes, "I believe that my experiences in the Mechanical Engineering field have made me well qualified for this position."
6. What is the most important revision the author should make? Explain.
Your body paragraph lacks specific skills. You could try and tie what you've done to the job ad. The job ad mentions "validate functional requirements " and "design constraints". I would try and work those into what you've done in past positions.
Andy