The first thing that was brought to my attention was that you did not specify where you encountered the job opportunity in your introduction (website, friend, etc). In addition, your second paragraph essentially reiterates the first with further detail. I think your first two paragraphs can be fused together to create the bulk of your introduction effectively. Here, you will be able to organize your qualifications briefly and decide the route you want to take for the rest of your cover letter. But the introduction that is recommended to us by the readings uses ideas from both of your two beginning paragraphs. I would suggest arranging your thoughts a little better for one complete introductory paragraph.
I think you can utilize your experience from your past Exxon Mobil Corporation better to your advantage. One of the biggest things recruiters look for is real life experience and given the nature of how large a company Exxon Mobile is, you should be able to brag about your qualifications pretty easy. You mention some skills you developed over your experience there, but you never state what it is you actual did as an intern. Go into detail and then relate directly to the job opening and company goals.
In respect to going into detail, I would suggest throwing out relevant course work that you believe is most valuable to their company. Maybe dedicate another paragraph to the knowledge you acquired, projects you completed, and teamwork exercises from your college career.
In your conclusion, you need to specify how they can contact you. Typically you should write you contact phone number and email.
In general, I think your cover letter has good tone and quality. It just needs some organizing and I think you need to take advantage of your qualifications better. There is no problem in bragging in a cover letter.
Form and Style
1. The only thing that I recommend is making your salutation more specific than “To Whom It May Concern”. If at all possible contact a human resources representative with Google and ask them.
2. I recommend either aligning your return address to the left or incorporating into some form of letter head.
3. You did a very good job of matching your letter’s style with the occasion. It was neither too informal nor formal.
4. Throughout your letter you maintained the right tone. You clearly state your qualifications without boasting. You also make it clear that you are genuinely enthusiastic about working with technology.
5. It is clear that you proof read this cover letter, as I found no issues with spelling or grammar.
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. You did a good job with keywords but you did not backup your innovative personality. I recommend providing more examples or experiences to backup this claim.
2. You did mention your experience in the robotics competition but unless you plan on developing robots for Google, you may wish to add other IT related experiences to the cover letter.
3. Overall I felt you described skills that almost everyone can recognize. If this letter is target at a more technical person you may wish to go into greater technical details.
4. From the beginning you clearly stated the job that you were applying for and why you would be a strong candidate.
5. In the end of you cover letter you mentioned that you would be contacting them shortly. According to the instructor’s blog over cover letters, you should repeat you contact information in the conclusion. Other than that you did very well and ended on a high note.
6. I think the most important thing would be to add more detailed experiences to backup your claims. This will help increase your credibility and possibly “wow” your recruiters.
Cover Letter Suggestions
The first thing that was brought to my attention was that you did not specify where you encountered the job opportunity in your introduction (website, friend, etc). In addition, your second paragraph essentially reiterates the first with further detail. I think your first two paragraphs can be fused together to create the bulk of your introduction effectively. Here, you will be able to organize your qualifications briefly and decide the route you want to take for the rest of your cover letter. But the introduction that is recommended to us by the readings uses ideas from both of your two beginning paragraphs. I would suggest arranging your thoughts a little better for one complete introductory paragraph.
I think you can utilize your experience from your past Exxon Mobil Corporation better to your advantage. One of the biggest things recruiters look for is real life experience and given the nature of how large a company Exxon Mobile is, you should be able to brag about your qualifications pretty easy. You mention some skills you developed over your experience there, but you never state what it is you actual did as an intern. Go into detail and then relate directly to the job opening and company goals.
In respect to going into detail, I would suggest throwing out relevant course work that you believe is most valuable to their company. Maybe dedicate another paragraph to the knowledge you acquired, projects you completed, and teamwork exercises from your college career.
In your conclusion, you need to specify how they can contact you. Typically you should write you contact phone number and email.
In general, I think your cover letter has good tone and quality. It just needs some organizing and I think you need to take advantage of your qualifications better. There is no problem in bragging in a cover letter.
Cover Letter Review
Form and Style
1. The only thing that I recommend is making your salutation more specific than “To Whom It May Concern”. If at all possible contact a human resources representative with Google and ask them.
2. I recommend either aligning your return address to the left or incorporating into some form of letter head.
3. You did a very good job of matching your letter’s style with the occasion. It was neither too informal nor formal.
4. Throughout your letter you maintained the right tone. You clearly state your qualifications without boasting. You also make it clear that you are genuinely enthusiastic about working with technology.
5. It is clear that you proof read this cover letter, as I found no issues with spelling or grammar.
Content/Rhetorical Context
1. You did a good job with keywords but you did not backup your innovative personality. I recommend providing more examples or experiences to backup this claim.
2. You did mention your experience in the robotics competition but unless you plan on developing robots for Google, you may wish to add other IT related experiences to the cover letter.
3. Overall I felt you described skills that almost everyone can recognize. If this letter is target at a more technical person you may wish to go into greater technical details.
4. From the beginning you clearly stated the job that you were applying for and why you would be a strong candidate.
5. In the end of you cover letter you mentioned that you would be contacting them shortly. According to the instructor’s blog over cover letters, you should repeat you contact information in the conclusion. Other than that you did very well and ended on a high note.
6. I think the most important thing would be to add more detailed experiences to backup your claims. This will help increase your credibility and possibly “wow” your recruiters.
Let me know if you have any questions.