English 421Y: Technical Writing Online

You have a great draft to start working with! Personally, I've always thought it was easier to make writing better when you get to cut down versus adding on; it may not be easier, but I think you end up with a better product. So, I think you're in a great place to start, and I have just a few suggestions for you on how to make it stronger!

Form & Style
1. You definitely have all of the components you need here. You've got your address, salutation, header, etc. Good job on this part.

2. I think you do need to use block format here. The indents make it look more like a personal letter, and it's still a business letter, even though you want to keep that more relaxed interesting feel.

3. I think you do a good job with your style. It's not so conversational that it comes across as unprofessional, but you're not so overly technical that I couldn't understand it as a psych/writing major.

4. Again, your tone fits, but it's almost as though you come off like you're trying too hard. I think this might have something to do with the amount of information you tried to cram in here (which I know you're aware of, more on that later).

5. Take a look at this part of your third paragraph:
"Some of the extra challenges of a government contract I've been exposed to: Working under non-disclosure agreement in a document-controlled environment. Complying with the Buy America Act during procurement. Restricting information to a “need-to-know basis” when communicating with offproject superiors, suppliers and curious family and friends."

Technically speaking, these aren't full sentences. While this is accepted in some situations, I don't think that this is the place you want to take a chance. There's the possibility that the reviewer will weed you out based on what they see as grammatical error, and I know that you can write! I would add your verb to end of the first clause (so, add the word "are" after exposed to) and then instead of periods, use commas or semicolons. You'll keep virtually the same structure you have, while eliminating the possibility of error!

Context
1. Looking at the job ad, you are more than qualified for this position. One thing I would suggest, though, is that you spend only one paragraph of your cover letter talking about thermal imaging, and perhaps use just one more paragraph to hit on the other more specific skills they require. I imagine there will be a lot of engineers with the theoretical knowledge to tackle this type of job, but what can you reference to show them that you'll be the one who can ACTUALLY get the job done? I would try to speak to this part of the ad:
"The individual will learn to take the lead on development projects and set up product delivery schedules; set up testing and qualification plans; support proposal efforts as required, and interface with Manufacturing and Quality Control."

2. You mention in your letter that you ARE interested in the job, but you never explain why. Your cover letter is your only chance to convince them prior to the interview that you have some human connection. A person who's interested and invested in the job is going to do it well; why is that you?

3. You've definitely got your skills covered. You spend a lot of time talking about how your experience in your Co-Op translates to this job, which is good, but I think you can mention that experience and not go into as much detail as you do. If they know everything already, there's no reason to bring you in for an interview. I think it's good to leave them wondering a little bit ... and to save yourself something to flesh out in the interview!

4. Personally, I think your first statement in your concluding paragraph reads like a great final sentence for your introductory paragraph to lead into the rest of your letter. It's concise, but it's fresh and compelling. It makes me want to read your letter and find out why you're eager and interested. I would suggest ditching your three-part thesis statement from your intro and subbing this in. Also, I still don't know after reading your intro where you heard about this job (even if that's the company web site).

5. The final thing I would add in is to restate your contact info in your concluding paragraph. You definitely don't want them to have to search for your phone number or e-mail, and by the end of your letter, if you've really got them hooked, hopefully they'll see that and pick the phone up right then to call you!

As for your additional questions, I think I would cut out a lot of the details you give about your experience. Again, leave yourself something to flesh out in the interview. It's apparent from your résumé and just saying you've had the experience that you're qualified. It'd be nice to hear, too, why you're interested in this job. Why'd you pick this type of engineering? Why engineering at all? Tell me something that makes you a person, that's going to make me like you as an employee, etc.

Also, I think you could focus on making sure your writing is as tight as possible, since you're short on space. This can be as simple as shoring up some extra clauses, like this one:
"When my current third and final coop session with Kiewit Construction's Mass. Electric Industrial District ends at the end of May, I will have spent a total of 7-8 months working on-site under a project engineer, with 3 additional months in the district office."

As opposed to ...
"When I finish my co-op in May, I will have almost 8 months of on-site experience under a project engineer, with another 3 months in the district office."

I just said the same thing in about half the amount of space -- and I used your words! I would look for places like this where you can be more concise. I don't think they really care that it's your third coop session or that it ends in the end of May, particularly since you won't be graduating then!

I hope this helps you out! Good luck with the rest of your project.

1.) Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?

You've included all these necessary components.

2.) Does the author use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?

Your paragraphs have a small indentation at the beginning of the first line. Also your signature at the end could be left justified. This just makes your document easier to look at/read and is more professional.

3.) Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal, formal, or generic? Explain.

The style you've used looks very professional. It fits nicely on one page and has a balanced look.

4.) # Does the author take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? Highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.

Your tone is casual but you still manage to use proper grammar and spelling, and thus you come off as highly qualified without bragging. I think this is one of your strongest points of the cover letter.

5.) # Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them.

As identified in point 4, your spelling and grammar are good.

1.) Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of the author's qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?

This is one area I think you could improve. I would take the instructors recommendation and try to organize, structure, and build your paragraphs using either specific skills or keywords directly from the job ad.

2.) Does the author mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.

You include two specific reasons you have applied for the position and this is located correctly in the introduction. You also relate your reasons to the target company; a definite plus

3.) Does the author identify specific skills using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?

I'm not sure how many acronyms and terminology verbiage apply in your field, but after scanning your document I've found you might be able to improve this area. One thing you could do, I've identified in question 1 from this section.

4.) Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the author is well-suited to it?

You've left out two of these three. It provides immediate context to the HR department's reader when you identify the position your applying for and where you learned about it in the introduction. I would recommend adding this.

5.) Does the conclusion indicate how the author can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.

It is recommended in the conclusion to reiterate your contact information (even though its at the top of the document!). Your cover letter definitely ends in a high note however.

6.) What is the most important revision the author should make? Explain.

I'd seriously recommend restructuring your cover letter using three or four skills/key words. This will improve several areas of your cover letter and is probably the most important.

1.) It's way long. What can I cut out/combine? I'm too narcissistic; I'm having trouble letting go.

Organizing your paragraphs using key words will help keep your cover letter professional and concise. You won't have this problem!

2.) Do I need to elaborate more on my personal traits? As if I have room to cram anything else in.

I think the content you've shared in your cover letter also covers your "personal traits" well. I don't think you have to go out of your way to demonstrate this. Many of your personal traits will be under enough scrutiny in the interview if you get the chance!

You have a pretty good cover letter Thomas, lots of good information and experience, much more than I have. You have covered all your bases with the letter including a good header. I like the how your name is bold to help it stand out, but no so much that its distracting. For the following paragraphs, it would probably be a good idea to use block formatting. It may not bother some people but I am pretty sure its sort of an accepted style. You also did a great job with the tone of the letter and selling yourself. I think this could be read by people at all levels of the company and it would come off well. I really liked the last sentence in you opening paragraph; it set a strong tone and precedence for the rest of the letter. As far grammer is concerned, the only problem I had was “ Some of the extra challenges of a government contract I've been exposed to: Working under non-disclosure agreement in a document-controlled environment. Complying with the Buy America Act during procurement. Restricting information to a “need-to-know basis” when communicating with project superiors, suppliers and curious family and friends.”. I don’t think there should be periods in between each sentence. I think Kristen was right about these not being sentences.

I think you did a pretty good job responding to the job add also. My one comment would be that I noticed they harped on leading a team a few time and thought if there was anything you could throw in your letter about that would help. One thing I didn’t like was your second to last paragraph about infrared. You seemed to be throwing that in almost out of desperation to mention infrared technology. You wording also got a little too conversational when you said “We did some testing”. Try to make it sound more confident and meaningful. I also noticed your introduction didn’t include where you saw the job add or why you were applying. I might be helpful to include this. Your conclusion might need some work too. By saying “If you give me and honest look”, it sounded to me like you were almost pleading. Make sure your conclusion is strong and positive, and be sure to include you contact information again.

I think the most important revision to make would be to cut down on the volume, not the content. It did seem a little wordy. Instead of saying “Most if not all of the contract administration and production management skills I've learned and used during my time with Kiewit are not exclusive to
construction contracting, and can be applied to CE's product-oriented contracts.”, maybe instead say “My contract administration and production management skills can by used for CE’s … and throw something in that they do. I wouldn’t worry to much about personal traits, they will see those if you do a good job selling yourself.

I think you got a pretty good start. You have lots of great stuff to include and you could have a really strong cover letter if you piece it together right.