Submitted by HiggsBoson on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 11:34.
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/\/\/\/\/\ Form and Style
-Components: Check
-Block Format: Your info at the top isn't left-aligned, but it looks fine to me. Our instructors may be looking for left alignment though.
-Formality: It's possible that you are a bit too formal, but I think it is OK for the most part in this area. Just one thing to point out; the "Dear " part should be followed by a " : " instead of a " , ".
-Tone: I wasn't really feeling too much enthusiasm from this letter. You mentioned that you have worked for Exon Mobile before and it seems like (from this letter) that you are applying for this job just because of this reason. Try weaving in some information about the company-something that you didn't pick up while you worked there before to show some additional interest.
-SP/Mechanical Errors: Second paragraph, third sentence; "despite" doesn't really sound right, try something like "In addition to". Personally, I would use "demonstrate" instead of "prove" in the third paragraph, this is up to you. The last bit of the conclusion: I would cut out the "out of your day" part out-just me.
Content
-Qualifications: There is a slight discontinuity in your second paragraph. You introduce the paragraph by explaining that you have mastered specific technologies, but you go on to talk about general things. This would be a great place to be very specific about the technologies you have used and what kinds of things you have done with them-try to quantify as much as possible. Also quantify (if you can) some of the things you did while you worked at Exon before.
-Reasons for Application: I've mentioned this before. It is somewhat vague as to why you want this position. This can be difficult some times, but at least tell them what they want to hear (bs it a little if you have to...)
-Skills: Again, you could be a little more specific in explaining how you have used your skills and why they would be relevant to this position.
-Intro: The "major reasons" is a little general, but this may be ok so long as you back it up a lot in the body.
-Conclusion: This is well written except for that one mechanical thing I mentioned earlier-but that is up to you to change.
Author's Questions
-I don't think it is possible for anyone to sound too confident for these sorts of documents (of course you shouldn't be boastful-and you didn't display this sort of tone at all)
-Yes! More detail, as I have mentioned previously.
Submitted by Beachside32 on Fri, 02/13/2009 - 22:42.
Form and Style
1.Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
-Author meets all the necessary components.
2.Does the author use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
-Yes.
3.Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal, formal, or generic? Explain.
-The tone of voice is formal and professional.
4.Does the author take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? Highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
- While reading the cover letter, I felt everything was fluid and sound. The author does not come off bragging about his work experience.
5.Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them.
-Some issues I found in this area have mostly been address by another classmate. I do you think you could maybe revise another sentence. Intro paragraph,last sentence, “ My technical skills gained at Purdue and my prior work experience...” I notice in your conclusion you had it “With my strong technical skills and prior work experience..” try to keep it uniform and drop the “my” in the intro paragraph to match the first sentence in your conclusion. Content/Rhetorical Context
1.Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of the author's qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
-Author does speak specifically to the job ad in describing the Telecommunication Analyst position needs to what experience the author for qualification.
2.Does the author mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
-I couldn't find any specific parts why the author applied for the position. I think it could be difficult to do this, but you should tell ExxonMobil why this job appeals to you.
3.Does the author identify specific skills using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
-Author did a great job in telling his past work experience with the terminology that's suited for job position.
4.Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the author is well-suited to it?
-Author meets all necessary components in this section. As stated from the cover letter,“Telecommunication Analyst”, “ExxonMobil's website”, and “ technical skills gained at Purdue and prior work experience at ExxonMobil”.
5.Does the conclusion indicate how the author can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
-The conclusion indicated how the author can be contacted for further discussion with his phone number and email address. I thought the author ended with a high end at the end of his cover letter.
6.What is the most important revision the author should make? Explain.
-Overall, I thought your cover letter was very good. Some minor adjustments mention aboved, but I don't think you need to revise it much.
AUTHOR QUESTIONS
1. Do I sound too confident?
- I didn't think you sound too confident in your experience. I believe your tone of voice was professional in stating you had worked for them and would make a valueable asset to them.
2. Should I go into more detail about my work experiences or classroom work?
-You could go into more detail about your work experience or classroom work if you wanted to.
The way you talk about your job experience and classroom work tied together.
Good Job!
-Gary
Review
/\/\/\/\/\
/\/\/\/\/\
Form and Style
-Components: Check
-Block Format: Your info at the top isn't left-aligned, but it looks fine to me. Our instructors may be looking for left alignment though.
-Formality: It's possible that you are a bit too formal, but I think it is OK for the most part in this area. Just one thing to point out; the "Dear " part should be followed by a " : " instead of a " , ".
-Tone: I wasn't really feeling too much enthusiasm from this letter. You mentioned that you have worked for Exon Mobile before and it seems like (from this letter) that you are applying for this job just because of this reason. Try weaving in some information about the company-something that you didn't pick up while you worked there before to show some additional interest.
-SP/Mechanical Errors: Second paragraph, third sentence; "despite" doesn't really sound right, try something like "In addition to". Personally, I would use "demonstrate" instead of "prove" in the third paragraph, this is up to you. The last bit of the conclusion: I would cut out the "out of your day" part out-just me.
Content
-Qualifications: There is a slight discontinuity in your second paragraph. You introduce the paragraph by explaining that you have mastered specific technologies, but you go on to talk about general things. This would be a great place to be very specific about the technologies you have used and what kinds of things you have done with them-try to quantify as much as possible. Also quantify (if you can) some of the things you did while you worked at Exon before.
-Reasons for Application: I've mentioned this before. It is somewhat vague as to why you want this position. This can be difficult some times, but at least tell them what they want to hear (bs it a little if you have to...)
-Skills: Again, you could be a little more specific in explaining how you have used your skills and why they would be relevant to this position.
-Intro: The "major reasons" is a little general, but this may be ok so long as you back it up a lot in the body.
-Conclusion: This is well written except for that one mechanical thing I mentioned earlier-but that is up to you to change.
Author's Questions
-I don't think it is possible for anyone to sound too confident for these sorts of documents (of course you shouldn't be boastful-and you didn't display this sort of tone at all)
-Yes! More detail, as I have mentioned previously.
ExxonMobil Cover Letter Reply
Form and Style
1.Does the letter include all the necessary components (return address, header, salutation, introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and conclusion)? If not, what’s missing?
-Author meets all the necessary components.
2.Does the author use block format (all text flush with the left margin)?
-Yes.
3.Does the style of the letter suit the occasion? Is it too informal, formal, or generic? Explain.
-The tone of voice is formal and professional.
4.Does the author take the right tone? (E.g., come off as enthusiastic without gushing? Highly qualified without bragging?) Explain.
- While reading the cover letter, I felt everything was fluid and sound. The author does not come off bragging about his work experience.
5.Are there any spelling or mechanical errors? If so, identify them.
-Some issues I found in this area have mostly been address by another classmate. I do you think you could maybe revise another sentence. Intro paragraph,last sentence, “ My technical skills gained at Purdue and my prior work experience...” I notice in your conclusion you had it “With my strong technical skills and prior work experience..” try to keep it uniform and drop the “my” in the intro paragraph to match the first sentence in your conclusion.
Content/Rhetorical Context
1.Does the letter speak directly and specifically to the job ad, using keywords to organize the discussion of the author's qualifications? Even if it does, what could be done better?
-Author does speak specifically to the job ad in describing the Telecommunication Analyst position needs to what experience the author for qualification.
2.Does the author mention specific reasons why he or she has applied for the position? Explain.
-I couldn't find any specific parts why the author applied for the position. I think it could be difficult to do this, but you should tell ExxonMobil why this job appeals to you.
3.Does the author identify specific skills using terminology that other experienced people would recognize?
-Author did a great job in telling his past work experience with the terminology that's suited for job position.
4.Does the introductory paragraph identify the position applied for, its source, and then the major reason(s) why the author is well-suited to it?
-Author meets all necessary components in this section. As stated from the cover letter,“Telecommunication Analyst”, “ExxonMobil's website”, and “ technical skills gained at Purdue and prior work experience at ExxonMobil”.
5.Does the conclusion indicate how the author can be contacted for further discussion or an interview? Does the letter end on a high note? Explain.
-The conclusion indicated how the author can be contacted for further discussion with his phone number and email address. I thought the author ended with a high end at the end of his cover letter.
6.What is the most important revision the author should make? Explain.
-Overall, I thought your cover letter was very good. Some minor adjustments mention aboved, but I don't think you need to revise it much.
AUTHOR QUESTIONS
1. Do I sound too confident?
- I didn't think you sound too confident in your experience. I believe your tone of voice was professional in stating you had worked for them and would make a valueable asset to them.
2. Should I go into more detail about my work experiences or classroom work?
-You could go into more detail about your work experience or classroom work if you wanted to.
The way you talk about your job experience and classroom work tied together.
Good Job!
-Gary